Today my rant shall not be pre-planned nor on a specific subject. Today I rant straight from my brain, to express my sudden loss of purpose.
It saddens me slightly that I dont consider my purpose to work hard or get good grades or be a good person. The only thing I have to show for my life of the last 3 months is a mass of texts. It's all I do. Every second of my life since him has been either texting or waiting for a text. It's unbelievable how sad that really is. Only twice during this time has this privilege been taken from me, and they were hard hours. I know it shouldn't matter. I know I should be better than this. That my life should amount to more.
But it doesnt. And I dont care.
Now I sit and wait for a text that will never come. It's only for a day, only while his phone is flat, but it means that I now dont have contact with him until the next time I see him. I'm at an unbearable loose end. I'm living in limbo.
Did my life consist of more before him? Was I happy then? The answer to both is probably 'yes', and means that I was possibly a little less crazy back then. But this is relationships, isn't it? This is what you do.
I can't go back now, not even if I wanted to. This is my life, this is the person I am; insane and needy and whiney. All because I cant read those little letters on the screen that tell me he's out there, and that I can be with him soon.
